All I Ever Wanted

May 15, 2013

I bet it will take most of my life for the pinch to count–you know–that pinch that helps you realize that what you have is real and true. I cannot figure out whether I feel I don’t deserve all that I have, or because I’ve worked so hard for it all that it may disappear anyway.

I can remember a day when I was in high school, a girl came up to me. It was quite strange, because the girl was always picked on for being short for her age, and I recall her asking me why my back was so curved as I sat on the bleachers. She continued to ask me why I did (or did not do) many things. I answered truthfully, “[b]ecause it feels just fine to me”. She walked away edged towards a group of more popular girls to tell them what I had said. While doing that she called me a “cracker” and rolled her eyes for show.  You see, I realize that by her being able to pick on me that she gained something with that group of girls. And in all honesty, I believe that girl asked me if I wanted fries with my meal in a drive-thru that last time I visited home. Let me get this straight though–working anywhere is something to be proud of, but my point is she did not remember me, but I will always remember her.

Some memories are easy for others to chew and disperse. But for the other person, that moment may have formed a rock in their stomach that they will forever try to soften.

These last few months have opened my eyes to many aspects of myself-some new and some I wish I had plain-out forgotten all together. I have been completing my poetry manuscript and the pages were like a mirror being held up in front of my life as it was in motion. The dust has still not settled from all the thoughts and memories I conjured from long ago. On the flip side, with all of this there is a sense of never feeling so alive, in the realization that all I ever wanted has rooted at my feet. And with writing this, maybe I never will feel that I can deserve my life or the heart I utilize so very much these days that I simply feel I will eventually outgrow its walls.

I wouldn’t change a thing about my life; no, seriously, I wouldn’t. I care, I see, I breathe in a way I don’t think I would now if any one thing were different. And, there are many great memories and roads up ahead that I have sometimes forgotten about, due to the heart’s nature. I want to change the world for the better, and earn my place, whereas in the past I wanted to punch life in the nose. (I hear that really hurts.)

With a book publication on the way, I feel extremely validated. Thanks to those that showed me how to sit up straight and be strong, instead of pointing out my lack of esteem. Because of this, I have become the person I dreamed of while slouching on those bleachers at school. And, it’s every single day, that I look for that someone that was once me, ready to help them, or to let them know they are seen. We may not can all save lives, but we can save someone from the bullying of their mind.

P.S. There is still a curve in my spine, but I’m not bent anymore.