I felt from a young age that God had plans for me. Before I went to church, before I owned a bible, I used to sing to God while swinging on my swingset. I can recall talking to him as if he were sat right beside me. People said I talked to myself all the time from a distance, although I never breathed many words at all otherwise. Trust me, I’ve always been labeled as different–not in a strange sort of a way–just different. I’ve always danced to my own drum, a drum that no one else could ever hear. Many years on, I am the same person. Certainly, not a child anymore, and very grown up in heart and mind. The difference is, I don’t depend on others wanting me to be happy. I don’t worry if someone sees me talking out of turn or towards the sky. And because I live that way, it is healthier people that come into my life that can give just as much as I do–What a wonderful thought that used to seem so foreign, and still is for many in this world!
It has taken the kind of work that pricks your fingers but makes your soul bleed to forgive, nearly forget many things from the past–not specifically to any one person. In fact, there are many things, to this day, my family and closest friends aren’t aware of that I’ve been through. I purposely do so because whether or not people should, when some people find out certains things they look at you differently. Whether it be pity or understanding, I don’t want the past to overshadow how people see my future or me as an individual. I do realize that my book will contradict this in a way, but was not written for reaction. It was written to forgive, to place an object that I’ve carried inside to rest.
Recently, I’ve had many stranger-ish people say to me that they find me fascinating and that they could sense certain things. I laugh inside at that because I don’t pretend that there isn’t that side of me that is more something or another than most. I laugh because I don’t understand why people don’t see that we all have that in us–we all hide and have that place that we sing to God, or talk to counselors, or dream of things we feel we can never have. Some things we do not have because we don’t try, sometimes we do not try because we know it wouldn’t be beneficial, others things—we don’t try out of saving face or fear of failure.
Are you afraid of:
Fall in love–don’t fall (that’s your problem). Find someone that will walk WITH you. If you run into love you will be running out of it quickly!
Others falling out of love with you–Trust until you have reason not to. Give space for someone to become more of the person you love. Share your lives, don’t take away from them.
Believing in God–who will die unhappy because they believed?
Initiating love–what if we did follow our feelings instead of our prejudices/fears?
Failure, in general–if it bothers you not to have what you want, isn’t it worse that you didn’t try to achieve it, and more rewarding when you do?
Saying the wrong things–no one, in other’s eyes, will ever say the right things. Welcome to humanity!
Changing–don’t be afraid to admit faults and change them when you want to.
Not being able to change others–don’t make it your duty. If it could have been done, it would have been. If you need to change someone in order to have happiness, it is truly your confidence that must change.
Whatever you are afraid of, change it, work towards the solution, or at least, find out why you are afraid of it. What am I afraid of? All the above, and much more. Am I crippled by it–No. Do I dwell on it–a little. Do I wish for things I don’t have? YES!
But, the things I can change, I do. As for the things I can’t, I don’t let them overshadow what I do have. That’s not failure people…that’s singing to God and trusting my song was heard, even though I might not hear a response for some time to come.